Meet me back at the Blue door with the purple knob

These past 4 years have been so special. Like an arc in a book which you know will end but at least came to be.

These past 4 winters have sucessfully brought me tears. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my birthday.

My birthday brings me this sadness. Maybe it’s new years and my brithday combined which brings me to think about my life and where I’m going. A climax to the whole year in the duration of a week.

Either way it’s november and it’s time when things become a bit more somber as usual.

I don’t even fight this anymore. there is no reason to…I used to fight depressions and sad feelings before, but only because I didn’t understand the concept/message.

In the end, the sad things piling up within myself are just alerts and a part of me. I can only learn from them if I am up to it. Either way, winter does this.

I know this now and I can expect to look at all the rest of the winters of my life to be just so.

Something cold and refreshing at the same time. Which is why should there ever be a medicine or super power that could eradicate your sadness.

your despair, the misery, the loss, the insanity, the cold, the dark, the lost,

I wouldn’t take it. This power qould be so awesome to give to others. To take that sadness away…and bring a wiper to your eyes…so you can see everything fresh again. Everything new and clear again.

But my winters in a way, are my refreshers. They stand tall and still in the eve of the bitterness, reminding me who I am and what I’ve lost. Cause it’s always been what I’ve lost rather than what I’ve gained. It’s always been the case. Which is why growing up was always my relationship with time. Time which introduces and cultivates and takes.

I owe so much to time, and it’ll end me too. Either way, winter’s are something that weighs heavy and light on my shoulders and mind.

I just wonder each time it comes around how I’ll manage to deal with it. Every year the pain differs. The lessons I’ve learned differ too, from year to year. These past 4 being the most enlightening.

I guess…maybe…this is why I’m kind of sad now?

It’s a winter thing. Ironic though. I’m born in that month. I’m born at the end of a year. Which is always the beginning to the next. But both extremes kind of are tiring and surprising.

So what have I learned? I’m older now….my youth is kind of going but I should get used to that. Although I look at my heart and I’m not sure…if I grew or not.

I used to love my friends so much more. Intensity’s for many things. Now…everything…I’m not trying to depsperately hold on to them…

I’m just glad they happened and come as fast as they go.

Sure I’m left with shadows and emptiness more often than anything…but I guess this just means that I can risk a lot more. Risk and not fear any loss or failure. I can’t lose anything other than my time.

I can’t fail if I keep on trying. Or maybe I’m always failing but that doesn’t even matter anymore either. I’m not afraid to fail anymore. In the end of it all, I’m left by myself. So it’s always pleasant when I find myself with company. That’s the treat and the reward. :o :3

Anyways… I guess I’ll have to start revving up the daydreams. They’ve turned off. And start asking new questions for my quests to answer them are done.

they were good questions.

The meaning of life.

the meaning of time.

the beauty and limits of imagination.

I know these now.

I know.

So what else is there?

So much else. Everything. Which is daunting in size, but I know what I learn I’ll forget. And what I’ll remember will be enough to keep me me. I’ll always know nothing in the end. That’s alright now. Maybe one day…I won’t. I’ll know. but what can I do with knowledge?

Which is why the lesson I’ve learned this year is simple.

Which brings me the question I’ve answered in the past few months.

“What is the most important thing you can give to a person?”

1)Your time and concern.

2) Inspiration.

Your time cultivates friendship and love. Wanting to make things beyond yourself…together.

Inspiration is given all the time and is the mother seed of imagination all the time. To imagining of things and times that aren’t real…just yet.

Ideas and your humanity…..the best things. The best.

Either way, I’m going to have to find more questions and get to it. To dealing with the winter. I hate winters now. Maybe that will change. It just always depends on present me. I can only control what happens 6 hours into the future. Everything else is flying high above me…above and beyond the limits of my mind and reach…but always in my eyeline…always so loud in my heart. Wind flowing through my fingers…so familar yet far.

Anyways, I wonder what the next depression will bring to me. It’s time. It’s about time…that winter came.